Bigfoot Alive and Well

I was watching a show on cable television last night and was pleased to learn that, contrary to what logic and lack of evidence has told us for decades, Bigfoot is alive and doing quite well in certain parts of the continental United States.

In the courageous spirit of the “Never Say Die” mantra, teams of torch-carrying determined researchers have been out in the woods of Oklahoma, collecting pieces of information in hopes of adding them to the large pile of questionable material that proves the existence of a large primate species, sometimes described as a large, hairy bipedal hominoid.

They’ve succeeded.

In this single fell swoop of victory, they’ve also finally provided definitive answers to common skeptical questions.

Drugs. While many skeptics contribute the sightings of Bigfoot to eyewitness drug use, the fact of the matter is that the sightings persist no matter how much peyote, LSD, mushrooms, or other hallucinogenic substances the eyewitness consumes. As two camping eyewitnesses visiting from Santa Cruz attest, “We were just out here in the woods, and we think we probably may have seen something.”

Alcohol. It’s commonly believed that excessive alcohol consumption escalates the potential for Bigfoot sightings. Not so. Recent studies have revealed it to be irrelevant if an eyewitness pounds a fifth of imported scotch, seven shots their favorite brand of vodka, half a bottle of good old domestically brewed whiskey, or a even a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon. The results can be the same. As one shirtless hunter explains, “I’m not kidding you.”

Intelligence. Logic would tell us that the degree of intelligence possessed by eyewitnesses is something to be considered when evaluating the validity of a Bigfoot sighting. This is not the case. A survey has uncovered the truth that an eyewitness with the education of a third-grader is no less capable of seeing Bigfoot than an individual who has been clinically labeled mentally retarded. As Oklahoma resident Corky McGhee claims, “I did seen them.”

Superstition. Much of mainstream culture has habitually scoffed at the idea of the existence of Bigfoot, naming superstition as a driving force behind the sightings. This is, in fact, incorrect. As local Seminole medicine man and Bigfoot history expert Duck Flying South points out, “When we see Bigfoot, his magical powers have the ability to make us forget. So we’re actually seeing him every day, but we just don’t remember anything about it.”