Entries Tagged 'Rants' ↓

This just in from a JetBlue newsletter, notifying us of a slight change:

Bring your own headset
Effective June 1, free headsets will no longer be available on JetBlue flights. This benefits the environment by reducing unnecessary waste and it benefits your ears by providing the best sound and inflight entertainment experience.

Kinda like the way the elimination of free airline food benefits my stomach by providing me with my own sandwich.

Geoff Manaugh over at BLDGLBOG has thrown together an entertaining rant on why we love L.A. and couldn’t care less if you don’t.

Greeting us this morning at the bluff across from Angels Gate. Only somebody who would buy a case of watery domestic canned beer in the first place could do something so outlandishly assholesque. Dicks.

For those not yet familiar with Twitter, it’s the latest social networking and microblogging tool that enables you to publish 140-characters-or-less thoughts into the blogosphere via a Web connection, or remotely by way of a txt message from your cell phone. The advent of one-on-one txt messaging on cell phones has created a new habit for people, and Twitter’s taken the concept to a whole new level by allowing you to publish your thoughts to millions of people at a time, rather than just one personal friend. There’s obvious potential for psychological addiction with this enabling technology, just as cell phones were in the first place. So like anything, it can get pretty nutty.

So why do we Twitter, anyway? Are we sick? Are we weird? Are we antisocial nutjobs with no lives? Some would say so. I’ve heard it. And for the record, I’m not necessarily disagreeing with them. That said…

I woke up thinking about this the other morning and it dawned on me that, for me anyway, it’s not a Twitter thing. It’s a creative thing. An artist thing. More specifically, it’s a writer thing. By writing, I don’t necessarily mean putting pen to paper or sitting down at a keyboard. By writing, I mean a communication of ideas. And sometimes, no, most of the time, this communication of ideas is targeted at the writer himself. Every form of writing begins with that initial communication with oneself. Call it insane, but it’s true. You see, when a writer’s mind is plagued with an idea, there is a fundamental need to have it realized by turning it into something tangible. So you can see it. To shake it off. To purge it. It could be a story, or a poem, or a song. It could be a joke. It could be a painting, or a sculpture. It could be sitting down on a drum set and hammering out a groove that’s been brewing in the creative part of the mind for weeks. This urge, this need, this itch, is called a muse. And when the muse calls, it’s absolutely necessary — for survival — to follow it. Following your muse is as much a responsibility we have to ourselves as any other form of health maintenance.

It’s that simple. Writers write. It’s what we do. It’s what we MUST do. If we don’t, we die. Period. We are like the sharks of the sea who must constantly move forward, keeping the water flowing through their gills to survive. A writer’s need to write is no different than his need for air, food, water, sleep, and love.

But apparently some people see it as a problem.

Let me say this: These types of insane, sick minds — the minds that must constantly have their ideas executed and realized else be suffocated by them — are the same minds that keep the rest of the healthy world entertained. These are the minds that create the songs you love, the books you escape into, the guitar players you worship, and the movies you pay $10.50 for. People who don’t understand this basic need writers have are akin to static clams sitting on the ocean floor, regarding sharks as restless lunatics that need to learn how to chill. Almost ironically, what these clams are failing to realize is that the whole reason they’re alive is because they’re feeding off the byproducts of the food chain that fall to the ocean floor. And it all starts with the sharks.

So what does this all have to do with Twitter?

Twitter is a tool. A technological tool, yes. But equally as important, it’s a creative tool. Think of Twitter as a convenient ocean current the sharks have happily discovered, a current that enables them to keep the gills flushed with relatively little effort. Sort of a welcome auto-pilot that keeps you going between the more significant creative jams. Moving forward constantly isn’t the easiest (it’s actually the hardest) thing in the world, and considering the consequences of not doing so, it can be a frightening challenge to keep the water flowing through the gills at all times. Twitter is simply a means of keeping the flow going, as trivial as things may seem from a clam’s perspective.

That’s that. People eat because they have to. They drink because they have to. They sleep because they have to. Writers write because they have to. It’s the hand we’ve been given, and it’s not all fun and games all the time. It can be a painful burden. I suppose you can call it a curse.

Just be glad you’re not one of us.

Upon being indefinitely suspended from the NFL for organized dogfighting and executing pit bulls, quarterback Michael Vick has apparently found Jesus. On the same day his plea became official. Now that fucking heathen bastard can go spread Christ’s love to all the horny guys in the joint.

What a cop-out. This has got to be the most insulting thing I’ve heard in months.

Yo Vick, this is what Vive thinks of your new relationship:

The Oxford Guide to Style used in the UK prescribes commas and periods outside closing quotation marks, whereas American style is to always keep commas and periods inside closing quotation marks. Speaking of quotation marks, where Americans use double quotation marks, British style is to use single quotation marks. Here’s an example of British punctuation:

• The most recent release of WordPress has been nicknamed ‘Ella’.

Perfectly clear.

Now here’s how the Yanks do it by convention, which is less logical:

• The most recent release of WordPress has been nicknamed “Ella.”

Ouch. Hate it. The period is not part of the name, and does not logically belong in the quotes. Free and brave as we are, we certainly have our flaws.

This applies to parentheses too (but we’ll save that for another discussion).

Or, as America would write:

This applies to parentheses too (but we’ll save that for another discussion.)

Or, if you want to just dodge the decision altogether, try this one:

This applies to parentheses too. (But we’ll save that for another discussion.)

Let me first preface this by saying that I don’t consider myself a political person. In a nation split down the middle of people who blindly submit their loyalties to red or blue, I’d probably be somewhere in the area of a dark purple approaching black, or perhaps a pale lavender nearly faded to white, depending on which color system you’re using. I personally find myself disgusted by both the red or blue sides on any given day. (You know who you are.) I point this out to emphasize that anything I say will never have a hidden agenda favoring a certain political party.

That said,

Is anybody going to tell our President how to correctly pronounce ‘nuclear’? My god. In a time when nuclear arms are arguably the most important topic of discussion on the planet, you’d think the skipper of the biggest boat would at least figure out how to pronounce the goddam word. And to those who defend him and others by virtue of the metathesis argument, I disagree. I wouldn’t consider nucular a result of metathesis any more than I would ain’t, orientate, or irregardless. These types of words are results of sadly common linguistic errors, and have nothing to do with intelligently arbitrary syllabatic transposition. Besides, you probably don’t believe in the serial comma anyway.

In fairness, I should point out that he’s not alone. At least two other presidents have done the same thing, namely Clinton and Carter. But since we only have one president at a time, it’s Junior’s problem right now. Lucky guy.

Hey Mr. President, it’s nuclear. Not nucular. NUCLEAR. Say it with me:

NEW-CLEE-AR

It is not, as you say:

NEW-CUE-LAR

It’s nuclear.

What seems to be the confusion? The word nuclear comes from the word nucleus. Not nuculus. Nucleus.

TOP TEN WORDS GEORGE W. BUSH MISPRONOUNCES WHEN THE CAMERAS AREN’T ROLLING

1. nucular (nuclear)
2. tuburcleosis (tuburculosis)
3. particlear (particular)
4. spectaclear (spectacular)
5. simular (similar)
6. circlear (circular)
7. immacleate (immaculate)
8. singlear (singular)
9. cellear (cellular)
10. Caliglua (Caligula)

*Runner-up: Draclua (Dracula). Should make the Top Ten this month.

Say what you want about his politics. I’d just like to get somebody in there who doesn’t sound like he has his thumb up his ass when he talks. That’d be a start, anyway.

I’ve never been a soccer fan, nor did I ever play it in an organized setting. Soccer was always played in the spring/summer months when I was a kid, which is when the rest of us were playing baseball. America’s pastime. I never knew a kid that played both sports. With the two seasons falling on top of each other, baseball and AYSO went together like oil and water.

Perhaps unfairly, I always regarded the soccer crowd as a bunch of hyperactive kids with bad hands who needed to burn off some steam while everybody else played baseball. I do appreciate the athleticism required to run around like a chicken with your head cut off for hours on end though. They’ve got me on that.

That said, I admittedly haven’t been investing the hundreds of hours over the last billion weeks following the World Cup spectacle, so I’m by far one of the more uninformed people on the game. I did, however, turn it on to watch the last two minutes to see Italy win it.

After that whole charade, it comes down to penalty kicks? What kind of sport is that? Something tells me I didn’t miss much.

An analogy comes to mind. Consider this:

You’re a professional baseball player. You’ve played out your 162 game season, battling it out with your division rival to nab the Wild Card despite injuries, trades, and clubhouse personal dramas.

With your well-deserved playoff spot, you go to the LDS, play a best-of-five against another team who boasts a remarkable season of their own, and win three of ‘em in dramatic fashion. Nice job.

Next stop:

The LCS. Here we go. Best-of-seven, against a worthy team who just crushed their own opponent in their respective LDS series. Playing for the Pennant, it arguably doesn’t get better than this.

A great series. We go to Game 7 tied 3-3, and you win in a come-from-behind victory. You’ve won the Pennant! Congratulations! Pop the champagne and soak your buddies.

But wait. There’s more!

The World Series begins a few days later. Your pitching aces are rested, and you’re now going to face the champs of the other league. The Big Event. The Whole Enchilada. Best of seven, and you start with home field advantage. What a contest. This is what dreams are made of.

You split the first two games at home, go on the road and lose two of three on the road. You come back home down, but not out. You win Game 6 with authority. Series is tied. It comes down to the deciding game.

We go to Game 7 with your ace on the mound, rested and rearing to go, at home. Looking good. The opponent gets an early lead in the second inning, but your bats come through to tie it in the ninth! We go to extra innings!

Crowd’s on their feet all across the country. Even people who hate baseball are glued to the TV set in their neighborhood sports bar. The fate of the two teams — a true microcosm of our Dualistic society — hangs in the balance.

We play another nail-biting nine innings, no score. Wow! We go to the nineteenth inning. For the World Championship! It doesn’t get better than this.

How do you suppose we decide who wins? Here’s an idea, inspired by the World Cup:

Let’s get a game of pickle going. Winner take all.

If you haven’t heard, 7UP has changed its formula in a pathetic effort to attract impressionable consumers currently hooked on Sprite, Sierra Mist, and trendy natural drinks. While this may not be significant news to most, it is having a profoundly negative impact on people who drink it daily. Included in that sad group would be yours truly.

Not one to take it lying down, I’ve submitted the following letter to the Seven-Up Company. Please join me in the fight by telling them how bad the idea of changing their formula is.

To Whom it Concerns,

7UP has been my favorite drink since 1969. I’m confident I’m not alone in that distinction.

I cannot believe you’ve changed the formula of our favorite soft drink. Did we learn nothing from the ridiculous stunt Coca-Cola pulled in the ’80s when they did the same thing with “New Coke” in an attempt to compete with Pepsi???

“Now 100% natural”? What a load of dog shit. If I wanted natural, I wouldn’t drink my beloved 7UP. Or any soda, for that matter.

Your attempts to hippify your identity in order to appeal to Sprite and Sierra Mist fans is going to fail miserably, starting with your loyal 7UP following. I would rather die of thirst than drink this lame imitation of the real thing.

Your new formula tastes like chlorine, and is not worthy of the 7UP name. You’ve lost a life-long customer until you bring our classic beverage back.

Shame on you.

Sincerely,

A thirsty ex-fan in Los Angeles

ps: I’ve used a green 7UP golf bag for years. I now plan to take up tennis.

In this day of countless reality television shows consisting of elaborate social experiments where people band together to vote other contestants off an island, out of a mansion, and out of the game itself, it never ceases to amaze me how prevalent the incorrect use of the verb “align” has become when referring to an alliance.

Example:

“I decided to align with Tom on Day One, but then our alliance was broken when Tom aligned with Dick. So then I had to align with Harry.”

Arrgh.

By the time I post this, this error may very well become have become so common that it is deemed acceptable. This happened with the word “orientate”, which is now in our dictionary as a result of the overwhelming incorrect use of the word in society. This was typically done by people (with good intentions) throwing it into conversation in an effort to sound more schooled than they really are. (Recall Damon Wayans’ classic parody from In Living Color, where he played an artificially articulate prison inmate.)

Social acceptance of error doesn’t make it correct.

It’s ally, people. Ally. The verb. Emphasise the second syllable, so you pronounce it “a lie“. It’s the root of alliance. The past-tense allied can be pronounced two ways; it can rhyme with either “gal ride” or “collide”. I allied with Tom on Day One, but then our alliance was broken when Tom allied with Dick. So then I had to ally with Harry.

It’s not align. Align is the root of alignment. While an alliance is figuratively synonymous to an alignment, the words are in fact unrelated. If you’re aligning with somebody, talk about your alignment, not your alliance. If you’re creating an alliance with somebody, you’re allying with them, not aligning. Just be consistent.

Okay? Please? Thanks.

Well, as expected, the buzz is starting. With Ron Howard’s “The Da Vinci Code” film scheduled to hit theaters May 19, many opposing groups are beginning to brace themselves in, as they call it, “preparation” for the film. This includes everything from composing answers to the inevitable questions that Dan Brown’s remarkable book presents to full-blown organized protests and proposed boycotts of the movie itself.

=continued=

Why that little son of a…

Maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s been called the Monty Hall Scenario, the Monty Hall Problem, the Monty Hall Riddle, and the Monty Hall Puzzle. Persistent arguments over the years have transformed this initially harmless and entertaining logic exercise into a phenomenon known the world over as the Monty Hall Dilemma, the Monty Hall Dispute, the Monty Hall Debate, and the Monty Hall Controversy. Or my personal favorite, the Monty Hall War.

For those not familiar with it yet, it goes like this: =continued=