“There are several ways you can go with music. You can use music as a medication; to just kinda click out and use it as a backdrop and not really think about what’s going on in your everyday life. Or, you can use music as a catalyst to do some searching. To do some soul searching. To do some growing. And that’s the kind of band we are. That’s the kind of music we perpetuate. Soul searching music. Something that’s gonna make you get involved and do some work.”
–Maynard James Keenan, Tool
Grab an eyeload of these four digitally restored photographs taken of a 1968 thermonuclear test in French Polynesia. Click for large versions. Via flickr.
Overheard at the Lucille’s bar last night:
“I don’t know what it is. I’m starting to notice that it’s difficult to keep friends. It’s like, there’s so much in my head, people can’t handle it.”
“I’m going through the same thing. It’s not you. It’s them.”
“They think I’m weird. They tell me to get a life.”
“I get that too. Or my personal favorite line: ‘You have too much time on your hands.’ As if there is such a thing.”
“My brain’s starting to burn bridges in my personal relationships. I’m alienating myself. It’s out of control. They don’t get it. The whimsical nature of misinterpretation.”
“Don’t expect ’em to get it. Just be patient. Keep going. Find your outlets. Jam it out in your own way. Don’t deprive yourself of that. For anybody. Or it’ll kill you.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do.
“You and I should also probably stop cc-ing all our friends every time we txt each other. Sneak peaks are fine, but keep ’em to a minimum. Otherwise everybody’s gonna leave, and we’ll have nobody to talk to but us.”
“Which would be pretty cool. Hey, you want a shot of Jack?”
So in a spontaneous moment after work on this random Monday night of early November 2007, I got a txt message from my buddy Derrick. Slash was signing his book at the Borders in Torrance, with about a thousand people expected to show up. Derrick and I have a certain cerebral connection going on, and he held me an extra wristband that he’d picked up that morning. I was to meet him at the Borders at 6:30 PM. My cousin Alison had just finished Slash’s book and loved it, so I wanted to pick it up. I figured I owed Slash an apology anyway.
With time to spare, and with Slash being life’s subject for the next hour or two, I rolled into the Elephant Bar across the street to lube up with a large Bass ale and the mandatory couple shots of Jack. At about 6:19 PM, I closed out my tab and walked into the bathroom.
CUT TO:
INT. ELEPHANT BAR MEN’S ROOM – TORRANCE – NIGHT
I’ve spent the last thirty-five minutes unwinding from the day, aiming to meet my wingman Derrick across the street at the Borders bookstore to pick up Slash’s book and meet Slash himself. Slash has been scheduled to meet an estimated one thousand people, indulging them in a classic in-store signing charade.
The men’s room at the Elephant Bar has one urinal, and one stall. Standing at the sink is a BODYGUARD. Standing at the urinal, hosing it down, is, I kid you not, Slash. He apparently had dinner here before the shindig.
ME: You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. Could the world be any smaller?
The Bodyguard responsibly stands in my way, keeping a safe distance between me and the urinating icon in the leather top hat.
ME: It’s cool, dude. I ain’t gonna do anything weird or anything. I just need to apologize to Slash for a second. We go way back.
Slash zips up his $1500 dollar leather trousers and walks to the sink. He smiles in conventional “what’s up” gesture. Cleanly shaven, his silver nose ring glistens cheaply in the fluorescent restroom lighting.
ME: Dude. A few weeks ago. Five AM. Mirage.
Slash begins washing his hands in the sink.
SLASH: Vegas, right?
ME: It was late. We were out of it. I accidentally called you Flash.
SLASH: Yeah. I vaguely remember somebody calling me Flash that night.
ME: Well, it was me. Guilty as charged. Sorry, bro.
SLASH: No problem.
Slash dries his hands with a paper towel.
SLASH: So, uh, what are you doing in Torrance?
ME: Um, that’s actually a really good question.
Let’s try something new for a moment.
I got a speeding ticket on August 3rd of this year, ruining my clean record and subjecting me to unjustly increased insurance premiums. Fortunately I was eligible for traffic school in the state of California, and was able to take an online course to have the ticket removed from my record. All I had to do was sign up, pay a fee, leave the computer on for about six hours, and answer some questions. I completed the course successfully, and received the following email:
from: GotoTrafficSchool
to: Jace Albao
date: 4 Nov 2007 16:22:01 -0800
subject: Thank you for taking our course
Jace Albao,
Congratulations! You have completed and passed our course.
Refer your friends to us and tell them to enter your referral code when they register online and they will get $2.00 off the course price.
As soon as they pay for the course you will be credited with a $5.00 commission fee!
You can cash-out at any time by clicking on the Make Money / Cash Out button located on the front page of the GoToTrafficSchool.com website (http://www.gototrafficschool.com).
The more people you refer, the more money you earn!!!
Your login information will remain active for a period of 1 year so that you may continue referring friends and family to GoToTrafficSchool.com
Your referral code is XF6F-KKEC
Sincerely,
GoToTrafficSchool.com
To begin, let me say that I couldn’t ask for a better online Traffic School program than GoToTrafficSchool.com, and I recommend it highly. The colors were tolerable, the thing seemed to work, and the service was exceptionally courteous. Which can be rare in this day and age. So it goes without saying that saving $2 off your fee (nearly 13% off!) is a calling you simply can’t ignore.
Knowing what I know from my own experience with GoToTrafficSchool.com and life itself, I would like to encourage you to push the limit. Speed up. Floor it. You know, live a little. It’ll get you there. Don’t miss out on what could conceivably be argued to be one of the most notable experiences a person could ever hope to have in a single lifetime. And in the spirit of giving it back and paying it forward, I will offer a twelve-ounce kickback* for each ticket you clear from your record at GoToTrafficSchool.com by way of my reference.
Remember, that’s referral code XF6F-KKEC. And don’t forget, when you get a speeding ticket, everybody wins.
I’ve also created a 120-page booklet outlining several unknown tricks to assist you in effectively answering all the questions correctly without actually knowing anything about the topic. Each page is packed with priceless techniques that will teach you everything you need to know, allowing you to ace this course in record time. Including:
- Learn how to configure your computer to not go to sleep for six hours or more.
- Understand the importance of clicking the Play buttons on all the demonstrations in order to be digitally tracked while preserving the illusion that you’re actually paying attention.
- Master creative uses of the patented “Go Back and Find Riff”, where you will use the CTRL-F keystroke (COMMAND-F on Macintosh) to quickly find the answers to multiple choice questions, after you’ve read them.
- Develop fundamental insight to the advantages of using search resources like Google and DMV.org on a second computer to quickly find answers that are unclear, without needing to jump around from window to window as you would if you were on a single computer.
- And much, much more.
Due in the Spring of 2008 I aim to have a DVD produced outlining the book’s material, taking the thing to a whole new level. Included on the 36-disc, set but not available in the booklet, are:
- Pictures
- Sound effects
- Intuitive demonstrations in the form of Claymation
So keep an eye out for that.
In the interest of keeping things as organized as possible, I’ve also created my own separate poker fund, which is now accepting contributions. Whatever you feel comfortable with. The choice is yours. Explore the unique opportunity to singlehandedly change my luck in your own special way. PayPal preferred.
Just throwing it out there.
*At an establishment of my choosing.
