Steven Wright. The undisputed genius master in the art of lateral thought. Here’s a collection of Wrightisms I’ve collected since the ’80s.
Steve’s material — particularly since the advent of the WWW — has taken on a life of its own over the years. While each joke is a masterpiece in its own right, it’s really the thought process itself that makes his humor so unique. Steve’s contagious technique of thinking has rubbed off on everybody who’s been exposed to it, and has clearly influenced the world as much as any revolutionary thinker in history. As a result, I’ve seen jokes posted on the WWW which are declared to be Steven Wright material, when in fact they’re not. Similarly, I’ve seen Steve’s stuff included in other joke collections which don’t give him credit.
It’s all good. At this point in history, it doesn’t really matter if the lines themselves are accurate word for word, or even if they’re technically composed by Steve himself. These lines, while mostly Steve’s brainchildren, are posted here as a celebration of the art form he created through his comedy. Let’s party.
The New Testament is still pretty old. They should be called the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.
Last time I was in Vegas I got in an extremely violent argument at the Roulette table over what I considered an odd number.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
I put instant coffee in the microwave oven and almost went back in time.
When I die I’m donating my body to science fiction.
I recently wrote a short story of a photographer who goes completely insane trying to take a close-up shot of the horizon.
The recording on my answering machine has a busy signal on it.
They say it’s a penny for your thoughts, but then again you have to put your two cents in. Somebody somewhere is making a penny.
It’s a fine night to have an evening.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I wrote a few children’s books. Not on purpose.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn’t notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building…I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, “See, that’s how it’s done.”
I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”
My neighbor has a circular driveway…he can’t get out.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I was in a museum that had the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”
My school colors were clear. “I’m not naked, I’m in the band.”
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire…
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was “woman”.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, “No, these are leaving at 3.” They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that’s the part you don’t want to get dirty.
When I was 10, my father told me never to talk to strangers. We haven’t spoken since.
My girlfriend’s so intense… She woke me up the other night and asked, “If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?” “No,” I said, “Why?” “It doesn’t matter, just go back back to sleep…”
Factorials were someone’s attempt to make math *look* exciting.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it. So I’m going to move to New York.
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
I’ve never seen electricity, so I don’t pay for it. I write right on the bill, “I’m sorry, I haven’t seen it all month.”
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.
You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.
I washed mud, off of mud.
How young can you die of old age?
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.
I took a baby shower.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t that kind of bed.
I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.
I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, “I ain’t flying no where.” I said, “What’s your problem buddy?” He said, “I’m sick of this stuff — winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don’t know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn’t a bird.” I said, “Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry.”
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.”
The first time I read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: “Lost — $50. If found, just keep it.”
I bought a cheap piece of land… It was on someone else’s property.
My VCR flashes 01:47, 01:47, 01:47, …
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What’s the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment? I’m feel like that all the time.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told everybody I’m Narcissus.
The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I went skydiving horizontally.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, “Do you have any toy train schedules?”
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded up there…
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.”
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader’s Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I went to a garage sale. “Sooo….how much for the garage?”
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
Women…can’t live with ’em…can’t shoot ’em.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes”.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”
If you’re gonna try cross-country skiing, pick a small country.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?
I’m trying to daydream but I just can’t seem to get into it because my mind keeps wandering.
I got sick of having to call the movie theater to listen to that recorded message everytime I wanted to find out what was playing. So I bought the album.
Last time I went to the movies I got kicked out for bringing my own food in. My argument was that the concession stand prices are just way too high. Besides, I haven’t had a barbecue in a long time.
I’ve been talking to myself a lot lately. It’s starting to get on people’s nerves though, ‘cause I use a megaphone.
I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I like to put them in the same room and let ‘em fight it out. Then I put wax in my humidifier now my room’s all shiny.
Yesterday I parked my car in a Tow-Away Zone. When I came back the entire area was gone.
I had to stop driving my car for a while…the tires got dizzy. So I flew my helicopter to work today. I couldn’t find any place to park it though, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.
I got my degree in Calcium Anthropology. The study of milkmen.
The pizza parlor in my neighborhood only sells slices. If you look in the back you can see an Italian chef spinning triangles in the air.
The last apartment I moved into had a switch on the wall that didn’t do anything…so anytime I had nothing to do, I’d just flick that switch up and down…up and down…up and down. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany…it just said, “Cut it out.”
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
The Stones, I love the Stones. Can’t believe they’re still going so strong after all these years. I watch them whenever I can…Fred and Barney.
I thought I had a problem with procrastination until I met my friend Winnie. Winnie got a birthmark when he was eight. But I’ll tell you about that later.
I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I’d call him I’d say C’mere Stay C’mere Stay. He doesn’t fall for it anymore though. Now he just ignores me and keeps on typing.
He’s an East German Shepherd.
One time I was hitch-hiking and a rig hauling 25 cars pulled over. The guy said “I’d be happy to give you a ride, only I don’t have any room up here in the cab. Why dontcha jump in one of the cars in the back.” So I did. The guy must have done this often, ‘cause he picked up twelve other guys along the way. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 and we all got speeding tickets.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I saw a guy walking down the street with wooden legs and real feet.
I collect rare photographs. I have two. One is of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. The guy said “OK, I just want to ask you a few questions.” I looked up and said “Let me ask YOU a question. If you are in a car that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, would anything happen?” He said “I don’t know.” I said “Forget it then. I don’t wanna work for you.”
My girlfriend has a queen-size bed, I have a court jester size bed. It’s red and green and has bells on it. The ends curl up.
I woke up this morning and my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said, ‘No, I made a few mistakes.
I know when I’m going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.
I lost a button hole.
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about two years now. She’s got stunning emerald eyes, and long, flowing, plaid hair. I met her at Macy’s. She was busy shopping… I was busy putting Slinky’s on the escalators.
When I was a child we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child….eventually.
Some people think my friend George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears… I think George is weird because he has false teeth with braces on them. George is a radio announcer. When he walks under a bridge you can’t hear him talk.
I used to live in a house that ran on static electricity. Everytime I wanted to watch TV I’d have to rub a balloon on my head.
My friend Joe used to spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
All of the people in my building are completely insane. The guy below me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She said, “Give me all of the money in the vault or I’ll mark down everything in the store.”
I just had a premonition of a flashback.
Last year me and Jerry drove cross country. We switched on the driving….every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don’t remember what it was.
My friend is a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed that little diagram that shows you how to put batteries in something.
I bought some batteries but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building… I turned it… and the whole building started up. So I drove it around for awhile…. A cop pulled me over for going too fast. He said, ‘Where do you live?” I said “Right here.” Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.
I had to laugh this morning.
If you can’t hear me it’s because sometimes I’m in parentheses.
I have and irregular phone. It has no five on it. I ran into an old friend one day and he said “Hey, how come you don’t call me anymore?” I said “I can’t call everyone I want. My phone has no five on it.” He said “That’s weird. How long have you had it?” I said “I have no idea. My calendar has no sevens.”
I was in JC Penney’s the other day and I saw a sign that read “WET FLOOR”. So I did.
What ever happened to Channel 1?
I have a map of the United States. It’s actual size. It says one mile equals one mile. People ask me where I live I say “E-5”. Last summer I folded it.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any extra boxes…
I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s gonna be up all night.
This morning I couldn’t find my socks so I called information. The operator said “Can I help you?” I said “I can’t find my socks.” She said “They’re behind the couch.”
I bought an organizer the other day but now I can’t remember where I left it.
I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eyeglasses ran out.
My eyes were bothering me so I went to my optimist. He said “Don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine.”
I got contact lenses. I only need them for reading though, so I got flip-ups.
The other day I was walking down the str…..wait….no…..that wasn’t me.
I enjoy going to my dentist. I think she’s very pretty. That’s why every time I go in for a cleaning, while I’m in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end street. I don’t know how I got here.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty-seven people were trapped on the escalators.
Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off. I’ll go over to a little baby and say “What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!”
I filled out a job application; where it said ‘IN CASE OF EMERGENCY NOTIFY’ I put ‘DOCTOR’. What’s my mother going to do?
I told my girlfriend I was going out for a walk. She said “How long are you going to be gone?” I said “The whole time.”
The peep-hole on my front door has a telescope on it. Now I can see who’s at the door for 900 miles. “Who is it? Who’s it gonna be when you get here?”
One time the power went out in my house. I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash on it. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought there was a lightning storm in my house.
What’s another word for thesaurus?
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. I went down for a while, hung another right, and came down to the corner. My mom was there. She said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”
I’ve been getting into abstract painting lately. Extremely abstract. No paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said “Didn’t you read the stop sign?” I said “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You’d just think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
There’s something about thinking about the past that brings back so many memories.
I went to a children’s art museum. All the art was on refrigerators.
I went to another museum that had all the heads and arms from all the statues in all the other museums.
I saw a small bottle of cologne in the department store and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with any purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I walked by a restaurant that had a sign that read “BREAKFAST ANYTIME”. So I went in and ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends showed up to the funeral in one car.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
One time when I was walking through the forest alone a tree fell right in front of me and I didn’t hear it.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I found a very interesting travel package: Two nights in England, one night in Connecticut, two nights in England. I flew Air Bizarre. Very interesting airline. You leave on a Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday. That way you still have the weekend.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.
I need at least 480 minutes of sleep a night.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of the fire in four and a half minutes.
I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been that serious though, because I brought a beach towel.
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. Came in the shape of a house.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.
I got pulled over on the freeway this morning. The cop said “The sign says 55 miles per hour.” I said “Yeah, I know, but I wasn’t gonna be out that long.”
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amaaaaazing.
Sometimes I…….no I don’t.
I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think ‘Hey, maybe I wrote that.’
About four years ago…………..no…wait….it was yesterday.
I’ve writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done, now I just have to fill in the rest.
My friend has a baby. I’m writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, “Here, you can go.”
I saw a sign on the highway that read “CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD”. So I pulled over and mopped the floor.
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
I’m so tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn’t have to go so fast.
I was in the forest when a spaceship the size of a football flew down and landed by my feet. the little trap door opened and a tiny little 2-inch space guy walked out. I couldn’t believe it. He looked up at me and said “What?” I said “Excuse me for staring, it’s just that I’ve never seen such a small guy before.” He said “I’m not small, I’m just real far away.”
I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
I used to live in a house on the medial strip of the freeway. It was great. Only problem was any time I went anywhere I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
I once turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, “I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today,” and I said “Oops.”
I own the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
Last night I walked my dog around my building…on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I’m afraid of widths.
I went fishing with a dotted line. I caught every other fish.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I used to be Senior Coordinator at a company. I taught old people how to juggle.
I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I’m going to find tractors that small.
On the ceilings of my house I have paintings of the rooms above them so I never have to go upstairs.
I have a friend who’s a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, “Well first I did …..I just….well….to make a long story short……”
I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day I drove by a gas station that had a sign out front that read “HELP WANTED”. So I pulled up to the self-service island and hired myself. Made myself the boss. Then I took all the money and left.
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the Pill came back. They were mad.
My uncle was a small claims court jester.
(Ad he did for a local student radio station:) “Whenever I’m in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I’m out of town, they mail it to me.”
Today I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello is Joey there?” They said “Yes he is.” I said “Can I speak to him?” They said “Uh, I don’t think so…He’s only two months old.” I said, “That’s OK. I’ll wait.”
A cop pulled me over and said “Are you carrying any firearms?” I said “What do you need?”
I was at a fast food place and asked the lady, “How much is a large soda?” She said, “1.25.” I said, “How much for a small?” She said, “75 cents.” I said, “Give me a small soda in a large cup and just fill it up the rest of the way.”
I xeroxed my watch. Now I give away free watches.
I was in the mall last week. I went up to the Visitor Information booth and said “So…who’s been here today?”
I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis. He’s a midget dwarf. He’s the guy who poses for trophies.
I have 5 cups of coffee before my first cup of coffee every morning.
…feelin’ a little hyper…
I got arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold #5 for a hundred bucks.
I got home extremely late one night. It was the next night. When I walked in the front door I realized that somebody had broken in and replaced everything I own with an exact replica. I couldn’t believe it. So I ran in the other room and tole my roommate “Check it out… somebody broke in and replaced everything I own with an exact replica!” He said, “Do I know you?”
I was born by Caesarean section. You can’t really tell…although whenever I leave a room I go out the window.
This isn’t all true.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
My car phone has an answering machine on it. My message says: “Hi, I’m home right now but if you leave your name and number I’ll call you when I’m not.”
I just started jury duty. It’s a very interesting case. Six thousand ants allegedly dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I don’t think they did it. I know a few of them and they’d never do a thing like that.
I used to have a job at LAX as aparking attendant. I parked jets. They eventually had to let me go though ’cause I kept locking the keys in ’em. On my last day on the job I was caught standing on a 42-foot ladder trying to get through the window with a coat hanger.
I’m going to get a full body tattoo of myself, only taller.
I’ve had problems with medication in the past. Robitussin. The stuff tasted so good I started trying to get sore throats on purpose.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
I got a postcard from my friend Dan the other day. On the front was a satellite picture of the entire Earth. On the back he wrote: “Wish you were here.”
…are there any questions?…
I went to my doctor the other day. He said “How do you feel?” I said “Ya know when you’re sitting in a chair and you lean back on the two back legs then just when you feel yourself about to tip over you shift your weight and catch your balance just in time?” He said “Yeah…?” I said “I feel like that all the time.”
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
If I shoot a mime should I use a silencer?
I have several hobbies. I have a huge seashell collection that I keep scattered all over the beaches of the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.
I met a gorgeous Latino girl so I decided to get one of those records that teaches you how to speak Spanish. I didn’t have time to listen to it though so I put on some headphones and put the record on before I went to sleep. During the night the record skipped. When I woke up I could only stutter in Spanish.
I like to reminisce withe people I don’t know. Granted, it takes a little longer…
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I can’t stop thinking like this.
I used to work in a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. One day a guy came in looking around. I said “Can I help you?” He said “Yeah. If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet?” I said “Hold on. I’ll ask Tony.”
I broke a mirror and got seven years of bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl…I sat beside her. I said, “Hi,” and she said, “Hi,” and then I said, “Nice day, isn’t it?,” and she said, “I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.” So I asked, “What’s the problem?” She replied, “I can’t tell you. I don’t even know you…” I said, “Well sometimes it’s good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.” So she said, “Well, my analyst said I’m a nymphomaniac and I only get turned on Jewish cowboys. By the way, I’m Diane.” I said, “Nice to meet you, Diane, I’m Bucky Goldstein.”
She said, “Your socks don’t match.” I said, “Yes they do. I go by thickness.”
I used to be a proof-reader for a sky-writing company.
One time I went skiing in England. I was sitting on the ski lift when the guy sitting next to me said “I’ts been eight years since I’ve been in one of these things.” I said “Really? Why so long?” He said “I’ve been in prison for eight years.” I said “What for?” He said “I got arrested for pushing an complete stranger off a ferris wheel.” I said “I remember you.”
I pulled up to the McDonald’s drive-thru yesterday. The voice on the speaker said “May I help you?” I said “No, I’m just browsing.”
Do you think when they asked George Washington for ID he just whipped out a quarter?
I’d like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend…It’s called ‘They’ll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away ‘Cause I’m Not Raking ‘Til Spring’.
Right now I’m having deja-vu and amnesia at the same time. I feel like I’ve forgotten this before.
I was hungry one night but I didn’t have anything in the fridge so I went down to a store I know of that’s open 24 hours. When I got there the guy was locking up. I said “What’s the deal? The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” He said “Not in a row.”
I know a redhead with long black hair.
A guy came up to me today and asked me if I have the time. I said “Yes, but not right now.”
I got into an elevator at the airport and this man followed in after me. I pushed ‘1’ and he just stood there…I said, “Hi, where you going?” He said, “Phoenix.” So, I pushed ‘Phoenix’. A few seconds later, the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in…we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, “You know, you’re the kind of guy I want to hang around with.” We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, “You get it.” I picked it up and said, “Hello?”…The other side said, “Is this Steven Wright?” I said, “Yes…” The guy said, “Hi, I’m Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank…It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money.” I said, “Mr. Jones, I’ll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon. I would really appreciate it if you never called me again.”
I just got out of the hospital….I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. Flew across the room.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t even have to go in for an appointment. You’ll just be walking down the street, and………..ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better…
You know that feeling you get when you’re climbing a flight of stairs then just as you’re getting towards the top you think there’s going to be one more step but there isn’t? I get that feeling all the time.
Every now and then I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit.
I went to court for a parking ticket and pleaded insanity. I said “Your Honor, would anybody in his right mind park in the passing lane?” He said “I don’t know. Anything else?” I said “What time is it?” He said “3:30.” I said “No further questions.”
When I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
I like to pick up hitch-hikers and freak them out. “So…how far did you think you were going? Put on your seatbelt…I want to try something….I saw it in a cartoon once but I think I can pull it off….”
I had to testify in court. They told me not to lie on the stand. So I sat up the whole time.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn’t doing what I was doing.
The other night when I was walking through the woods I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Then a hiker came up to me and said “Excuse me, I lost my compass. Which way’s North?” I said “You mean, from here?”
You know something?
A married couple I know was on the Pill and using a sponge, a diaphragm, and an IUD all at the same time and she still got pregnant. The baby was born wearing armor.
My ex-girlfriend and I broke up due to conflicting attitudes: I wasn’t into meditation, she wasn’t into being alive.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays ‘Helter Skelter’.
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I’ll throw it at ‘em.
The other night I played poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
There’s a very fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Me and my girlfriend went hiking in Canada last year. I don’t know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could stop the itching was to think about sandpaper.
The other day I was thinking.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don’t get it.
One time I borrowed $20 from my friend George. I had the money to pay him back for three weeks, but I never did. One night George and I were walking around downtown at 2 a.m. when a robber jumps out of an alley, points a gun at us and says, “Gimme all your money.” I said, “Wait a minute,” turned to George and said, “Here’s the $20 I owe you.” Then the robber steps back, thinks for a minute, and then at gunpoint, forces me to borrow a thousand dollars from George.
I went to the record store last night and bought a blank tape. I came home, put it in my cassette deck, and turned the volume up full blast. It was great. However, a few minutes later the guy who lives above me came pounding at my door. He was really pissed off. He’s a mime. (I used a silencer).
My friends and I used to play softball in this huge observatory with stars on the ceiling, much like those in the real sky. wed all know where the bases would be cause we alligned them with a certain recognizable star. we tryed outside once, using the same stars as guidepoints-didnt work: i was in new york bill was in utah…
I bought an advanced camera. Extremely advanced. You don’t even need it.
I have a half twin and a siamese stepson.
I was at the airport buying an airline ticket. The woman at the booth said “…and who will be travelling with us today?” I said “You tell me. It’s your plane.”
Who’s the guy who thought of inventions?
…speaking of tangents…
I think I just saw an optical illusion.
I wish on the first day of my life I said “quote”, so that on the day I die I could say “unquote”.
I like to walk around in my own neighborhood and ask people for directions. Then I grade ’em.
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ear.
People ask me if I was on a deserted island and could choose one book to have with me, what would it be. I say ‘How To Build A Boat’.
I recently recorded an audio book. It’s called ‘How To Read’.
What does definition mean?
You know how sometimes when you look up at the stars at night and think about how the light coming from the star left billions of light years ago and how that by the time the light from the star reaches your eyes the star doesn’t even exist anymore? That’s how I feel when I think about my ex-girlfriend.
Imagine if it worked the same way with lightbulbs? “…hmmm..let’s see, I turned off the kitchen light last Tuesday…”
I used to be a freelance astronaut.
24 hour banking….I don’t got time for that.
My friend has a summer home and a winter home on the same street. He doesn’t like to travel.
My grandfather died when he was just a little boy.
My travel agent asked me how I was getting to the airport. I said, ‘Well, I’m flying to one of ’em.
I got arrested for lip-syncing at a karaoke bar.
I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
So if a winner never quits and a quitter never wins, who’s the idiot wo came up with ‘quit while you’re ahead’?
You know how in movies when somebody’s reading a letter, you hear the voice of the person who wrote the letter? That happens to me when I read menus.
I went to a furniture store and asked them if they had anything to put under coasters.
I was in a gas station and asked them if they had any maps that weren’t aerial views.
I bought one walkie talkie.
I’m a member of the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program. I go door to door with a bodyguard.
I once knew a bird who was afraid of flying. His friends would say “Come on! Let’s go!” He’d say, “Nah, it’s OK…it’s a beautiful day. I’ll walk.”
Why aren’t there B batteries? Did something weird happen back in the thirties?
I got kicked out of the circus for bringing my own highwire cutters.
It recently dawned on me that the reason people speak foreign languages is so thy can communicate with people from other countries.
I moved around a lot as a child. My dad thought he was in the military.
Next week I’m going in for an MRI to see whether or not I have claustrophobia.
In the first grade, my teacher told me that the President was married to the first lady. I thought, “I wonder if she knew any dinosaurs.”
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
My grandfather died when he was a little boy.
I think I was reincarnated without living the first time.
I was walking down the street thinking about how my life would be different if I was born one day earlier. Then I thought, probably not that different, except I would’ve asked myself that yesterday.
I was booking a flight and they asked me how many people would be flying. I said, “You tell me. It’s your plane.”
I occasionally like to go into the waiting room and just wait. “Do you have an appointment?” “Nope. Just trying to avoid the moment.” “Would you like to see the doctor.” “What kind of doctor is he?” “He’s a foot doctor.” “Sure. I’d like to see a man that tall.”
I’ve been on a health kick recently…I’m on a vitamin diet. Doesn’t work very well though…you don’t get very full. So I just put on Pink Floyd and have a laser show.
I was driving down the highway and saw a sign that said ‘NEXT MILE: 1 MILE’.
They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning…[picks up his glass of water from the stool]…I like to live on the edge…
Anybody got change for a nickel?
I pulled into the McDonald’s drive-thru and the voice on the speaker said, “Welcome to McDonald’s, can I help you?” I said, “No thanks, I’m just browsing.”
I was decorating my Christmas tree last year and realized what that tinsel garland stuff actually is. It’s mirrors for snakes. My friend has a boa constrictor…I threw a piece of tinsel in his cage and he freaked out. Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
My father used to curse a lot when I was a boy, and after every curse word he’d say ‘Pardon my French’. One day when I was in the Boy Scouts I was wearing a beret and helping an elderly woman cross the street. She said, ‘What a lovely beret. Can you speak French?’ I said, ‘A little’. She said, ‘Can I hear some of it?’ I said …
New batch from October 2006:
More from an April 2007 appearance on Letterman:
You know how in the movies when somebody reads a letter and you hear the voice of the person who wrote the letter? That happens to me when I read menus.
My nephew has HDADD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can’t focus on anything, but when he does, it’s extremely clear.
It’s a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages. Otherwise, the people who speak ’em wouldn’t have anybody to talk to.
I got an iPod. I can fit a hundred thousand songs on it, or one telephone message from my Mom.
Inspired by Steve:
I have a friend who used to be an e-mailman. He had to quit because he couldn’t handle all the dogs instant messaging him.
My computer has an OCDUSB cable. I keep feeling like I need to check if it’s still plugged in.
My ex-girlfriend was an ulterior decorator. She had great design ideas, but they always meant something else.
My gut instinct is to second-guess myself. I think I’ll go with that. Or maybe I shouldn’t…
Sponges grow in the ocean. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.