The Puppy Who Lost His Things
by Jace Daniel (b. 1969)
Once there was a puppy who lived in a big house with many rooms. And in this house, he collected things.
To keep his things safe, the puppy would hide them in special places. Behind the bookcase, or between the couch cushions, or even under the pillows in the bedroom.
One morning the puppy woke up early to go find his hidden things. He first looked for the one behind the bookcase. But to his dismay, his hidden thing was not there.
“Where is my thing?” the puppy asked.
“What thing is that?” replied the goldfish, swimming in his bowl atop the bookcase.
“I hid it here, behind the bookcase. Did you take it?”
“Not me,” said the goldfish.
“Hmm,” said the puppy. “I guess I’ll go find my other thing.”
So the puppy went to the couch, searching for his hidden thing between the cushions. But to his dismay, his hidden thing was not there.
“Where is my thing?” the puppy asked.
“What thing is that?” replied the cat, purring on the couch.
“I hid it here, between the couch cushions. Did you take it?”
“Not me,” said the cat.
“Hmm,” said the puppy. “I guess I’ll go find my other thing.”
So the puppy went to the bedroom. He jumped up on the bed, searching for his hidden thing underneath the pillows. But to his dismay, his hidden thing was not there.
“Where is my thing?” the puppy asked.
“What thing is that?” replied the big dog, lounging on the bed.
“I hid it here, under the pillows. Did you take it?”
“Not me,” said the big dog. “Have you looked everywhere?”
“Yes,” the puppy said. “First I looked behind the bookcase, but it’s gone. Then I looked between the couch cushions, but it’s not there either. And now I’m looking here underneath the pillows, but my thing is nowhere to be found.”
“What does this thing look like?” said the big dog.
“I’ll show you!” said the puppy. “I have more in the kitchen!”
So the puppy leaped off the bed and dashed for the kitchen. Along the way, he passed the couch.
“Did you find your thing?” asked the cat.
“No!” said the puppy. “But I have more in the kitchen! I’ll bring you one!”
The puppy continued to the kitchen. Along the way, he passed the bookcase.
“Did you find your thing?” asked the goldfish.
“No!” said the puppy. “But I have more in the kitchen! I’ll bring you one!”
The puppy ran into the kitchen, grabbed three things, and dashed back to the bookcase.
“What are those?” the goldfish said.
“These are my things!” said the puppy. “This one’s for you!”
The puppy gave a thing to the goldfish and dashed off to the couch with the two other things.
“What are those?” the cat said.
“These are my things!” said the puppy. “This one’s for you!”
The puppy gave a thing to the cat and dashed off to the bedroom with the third remaining thing. He jumped up on the bed and dropped the thing next to the big dog.
“This is for you!” said the puppy. “And I gave one to the goldfish! And one to the cat! I got them from the kitchen!”
“Thanks, little fella,” said the big dog. “It’s good that you’re such a fast runner, because you didn’t have much time.”
“Not much time?” The puppy was puzzled. “Not much time for what?”
The big dog laughed. “Do you know what this thing is called?”
The puppy shook his head. No.
The big dog picked the thing up in his big mouth and bit down with a big CRUNCH.
“It’s called an ice cube.”
(Based on a true story.)
In memory of Jeff Hanneman, founding member and guitarist for thrash metal legends Slayer, a fan has uploaded a version of the band’s seminal Reign in Blood album recorded in 8-bit form.
The 8-bit version of Reign in Blood was created by YouTube user Potatobombs1 (self-described as “a nerdy metal-head who has no life”), who has previously crafted 8-bit versions of other classic heavy metal albums from Iron Maiden (Number of the Beast), Metallica (Master of Puppets) and Megadeth (Countdown to Extinction), among others.
Track Listing:
Angel of Death: 0:00
Piece by Piece: 4:45
Necrophobic: 6:46
Alter of Sacrifice: 8:24
Jesus Saves: 11:28
Criminally Insane: 14:21
Reborn: 16:40
Epidemic: 18:47
Postmortem: 21:03
Raining Blood: 24:22
Bonus track: Aggressive Perfector: 28:12
RELATED: Metallica’s Ride the Lighting (full album 8-bit cover!)
“The most obvious important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about.”
— David Foster Wallace (1962-2008)
Somebody’s taken the audio highlights from DFW’s classic 2005 Kenyon Commencement Address and put together a short film that’s just gone viral. Nicely done.
Here’s the original unedited speech:
Some guy’s come up with a perfect idea to stick it to Abercrombie & Fitch: give it all to homeless people.
HOW TO HELP
1. Look through your closet, your friends’ closets, and your neighbors’ closets for A&F clothing.
2. Give them all away to your local homeless shelter.
3. Share what you’re doing on Facebook, Google+, and Twitter. #FitchTheHomeless
Via NYTimes:
An article in the May-June issue of the American College of Sports Medicine’s Health & Fitness Journal does just that. In 12 exercises deploying only body weight, a chair and a wall, it fulfills the latest mandates for high-intensity effort, which essentially combines a long run and a visit to the weight room into about seven minutes of steady discomfort — all of it based on science.
Hard to believe this is actually happening right now, today, in 2013. We haven’t seen propaganda of this magnitude since, what, ’44 or ’45? It’s simultaneously hilarious and disturbing.
From Huffington Post:
North Korea’s latest piece of video propaganda gives a small window into the reclusive dictatorship and, as always, raises some eyebrows with its sheer ridiculousness.
Set to some kind of deafening anthem, the propaganda video is full of overly enthusiastic people cheering, clapping and (for some reason) riding water slides. The clip also features exploding newspaper headlines and random planes blowing things up.
But there’s a serious message behind all the flash and pomp. As The Washington Post’s Max Fisher points out, the song’s lyrics are promoting Pyongyang’s new domestic policy, known as “Byongjin,” which refers to side-by-side development of the military and the economy.
Check out the full story here.
JUST THROWING IT OUT THERE: Remember the Twilight Zone episode (and other similar stories) that toyed with the fantasy of traveling back in time to kill Adolf Hitler (or John Wilkes Booth) before his intentions could be fully realized? We should do that with this motherfucker right now. No time machine needed.
I just stumbled into this post, in which the blogger lists 25 lessons for graduates. Her intentions are admirable, but my eyes immediately went to #5 in her list:
5. Everyone is in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and 95 percent of people fall into the first two categories.
Any reader of jaced.com is quite aware of my thoughts on the serial comma, also known as the Oxford comma. The topic has proven to be an ideal starting point for emotionally driven verbal brawls — both online and off — and I’ve never been one to pass up the opportunity to engage in one. No matter how much shit I’ve gotten from zenny people who encourage me to chill, I still find myself proactively jumping into the pit and taking people on. I even have a blog category called Rants reserved for this purpose.
Which brings us back to the offending sentence from today. Yes, I should probably let it go, but I can’t help from pouncing on it. I mean, it is Friday. It’s also the perfect example of how horrendous a sentence can be when the serial comma is habitually omitted. So it’s just begging to be picked on.
Here’s the sentence again:
Everyone is in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and 95 percent of people fall into the first two categories.
OK. Now. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SENTENCE IS THIS???
Or, more specifically, which two categories are the first two categories?
There are a few problems with this sentence, which become magnified once the writer refers to “the first two categories” that she supposedly listed for us. But where exactly does that implied list start? Sure, I can figure it out using logic and reverse-engineering, but here’s the thing:
I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO.
And THAT’s what pisses me off.
There’s no reason this sentence should be this complicated. Here’s a simpler version (my revision):
Everyone is in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. 95 percent of people fall into the first two categories.
Clear, yes? Of course it is. Crystal. I’ve listed three categories for you:
1) people who are in your life for a reason,
2) people who are in your life for a season,
3) people who are in your life for a lifetime.
When I refer to the first two categories, it’s clear that I’m talking about items 1 and 2.
Yet as originally written, the sentence almost reads (my revision):
Everyone is in your life for a reason: a season or a lifetime and 95 percent of people. Fall into the first two categories…
This the part where, as a reader, my eyes turn to pretzels and my head wants to explode.
QUESTION: WHICH TWO CATEGORIES ARE THE FIRST TWO CATEGORIES???
ANSWER: HELL IF I KNOW.
My first guess is she’s talking about season and lifetime. A computer would do the same. Nothing’s clear. We don’t even know how many categories there are in the first place. The sentence is a a disaster.
What now? Well, for starters, I’m forced to re-read the sentence two, three, four times, rearranging all the elements in my mind so that the thought makes sense to me. Granted, that may only take a split second on my part. But it’s unnecessary energy. This type of inconsiderate and presumptuous writing expects the reader to either A) be a clairvoyant or B) go back and do the writer’s work for her. Awful stuff.
In closing, I should point out that (after the obligatory chore of reconstruction) I think it’s a great little nugget of advice, even if unproven. The thought’s certainly there. But sadly, all sensibilities behind it are now in question; any person who’d look at this sentence and call it good is not somebody whose opinion I’d value. Lazy writing like this defeats the purpose of advice.
That’s it for now. I’d address the validity of her #12, but that’s a separate rant that’d probably be better suited for a year divisible by four.
Gentlemen, we can we rebuild him. We have the technology.
Nakio lost his paws to frostbite as a puppy, but thanks to his bionic limbs, he gets around just fine. =full story=
While we’re on the topic:
