FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE–The body of Anakin Skywalker, the fallen and redeemed Jedi who spent over six years as the dark, foreboding, ruthless antagonist Darth Vader in the ever-popular Star Wars saga, has been exhumed to provide DNA evidence in a paternity suit.
Tissue samples were taken from Skywalker’s forehead last March in an effort to refute the claims that he fathered Jedi knight Luke Skywalker and his twin sister Leia a long time ago in a galaxy, far, far away. Conclusive studies have revealed that the DNA does not match, and Anakin Skywalker is in fact not the biological father of the twins. He’s just an asshole.
“I don’t even know what to call myself now,” confessed Luke Skywalker in a statement Friday. “After all this time, it was all bullshit. I even lost my good hand.”
Exhumations are exceedingly rare, whether you’re on Endor, the snow planet Hoth, or on any number of asteroids riddling the 18-parsec route of the Kessel Run. It would take a criminal investigation, paternity dispute, or compelling need to identify a body to even make the lengthy, risky legal process worthwhile.
“It was about integrity,” tweeted Lando Calrissian, renowned resident of Cloud City. “Questioning the legitimacy of that slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler was simply the right thing to do.”
C-3PO, the protocol droid designed to serve humans and boasts a fluency in over six million forms of communication, declares he’s been aware of the secret the whole time. “I knew Anakin, shall we say, exceedingly well,” admitted the gold manlike droid on his Facebook page. “Amidala was his perfect alibi. I didn’t want to blow his cover.”
Jabba the Hutt, the large slug-like business mogul known for his moral vices of lust, greed, and gluttony, applauded the discovery. “I hated those twins anyway,” Hutt proclaimed from his cave Friday. “They’re no better than their triplet cousins Wakanekikuja, Bedofali, and Andrew.”
The question as to who fathered Luke and Leia remains in the air, though a source at TMZ who wishes to remain nameless indicates that there is overwhelming evidence that the natural father is the hermit Obi-Wan “Ben” Kenobi, most recently known to live on the desert planet of Tatooine, a hot spot for Tusken Raiders, Jawas, and water cultivators.
“Ben? Are you shitting me?” laughed Han Solo, pilot of the Millennium Falcon. “I should have known. Leia always had that thing about her.”
“Aarrrrrrrghhh,” offered the wookie Chewbacca. “Aaaaarrrrrgh. Argh. Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh.”
Whether or not Kenobi’s remains will also be exhumed is an unknown possibility. Fortunately, no matter when the body in question was alive, it is now possible to snag DNA after exhumation. Scientific advances mean that fresh tissue samples, which decay quickly, are no longer necessary. Instead, any old body part, including bones and teeth, can be used.
Leia was unavailable for comment.
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