by Jace Daniel (b. 1969)
Upon arrival, start the whole thing off with 1 cocktail, then 1 more. Then another 2. Okay, 3 then. Now take a 5-minute breather before going to the dinner table with the family, which, with guests, is, on average, between about 8 and 13 people. Say a prayer for 21 seconds, and then dig in. About 34 minutes into the meal, you’ll find yourself arguing about 55 different things. Storm out of the house, and peel out of the driveway going 89 miles an hour. But slow down, will ya? For crying out loud. Okay, let’s back up. The freeway’s speed limit is 55 m.p.h. Endure the 34-minute drive home, but allow another 21 for holiday traffic. Create 13 new curse words along the way. When you get home, park in the driveway, and allow yourself to cry for 8 minutes before getting out of the car. Now give yourself a high-5, take a deep breath and count to 3, and go into the house. Throw up 2 times, crawl into your bed for 1, and thank God you don’t have to do this again for 1 more year.